shitty

frustrated. disappointed. tiring. hesitated. stress out. lost.
These could be described my recent feelings.

A weird day started meeting a weird store owner.
I went to .99 ￠Store to look for envelopes. That's for another shitty reason.
I glanced a man who was looking at me simultaneously stood at a door.
While he showed me a pack of envelopes (a hundred in a pack), I was thinking I would reject him in my mind. Then I said, "um..I'm sorry I only need one. They're too many to use up. But thanks!" He took out one envelope from a pack without hesitating. He looked me up & down, said you didn't need to pay but next time come & buy something...where do you live?....

When I feel down, I'd like to go shopping.
I'd found a mall in Brooklyn. So before going to work, today I decided to hang out for a while. The huge sign on the wall read: Brand Names For Less. I am not fascinated with brand names, but I love shopping pretty, special, 'maybe my style' products with good price. I will feel happay.
I got a pair of antique doll shoes--cute & comfy and a white leather handbag. Anyway, it's almost time to leave cuz I needed to take one more stop & transferred a bus. Gosh! It's a long line! I still insisted on buying them. I was absentminded standing not far behind a guy & felt guilty. A middle aged woman came along, and then I moved a step beyond some stuff and stood right behind the line. She said, "That's clever!" I responded, " I was standing behind him." Then she desdained to answer, "That was still clever!" It pissed me off!! I did not even look at her and said "Whatever you think!" I didn't think I was wrong. Then I thought you're"white" so what. When I walked on the streets in Harlm or Brooklyn, people usually greet or say hello to me in my langauge sometimes. They're even have beautiful heart. This shopping might not be good. Before a clerk handed me my things, that middle aged woman came and appoligized to me. I responded to her but not gave a smile. I gonna run cuz I was very late for class....I was soooooo bad.....
I made up an excuse for an administrator. I did feel guilty but I didn't want to care. I did care the shoe box I threw away in order to conceal my guilty.

After class I hung out despite it's rainy. I bought something again but I was not happy. It seemed more depressed in the D train, almost empty around 8, not a rush hour. I hate too many people in a train sometimes; but suddenly I miss them. I stepped on the F train; it's just an opposit situation. There's no seat for me. But I was O.K. then.

Meanwhile I was thinking of you.
Thanks for being with me.